In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
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Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
awkward
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
liiiiiiiiike
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office