CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
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[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!