My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
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(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Britain be like
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol