bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
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I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
me refusing to leave twitter
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”