where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
You Might Also Like
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I never needed anything more in my life
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero