I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
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My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!