My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
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Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Yes, this is exactly right
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I have never related to a cat more
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time