My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
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sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO