I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
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Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.