*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
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I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.