FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
You Might Also Like
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
no their not
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes