For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
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My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
a public service announcement
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.