The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
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{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer