me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
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Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
broke down and did it
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.