[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
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dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain