You Might Also Like
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!