Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
why would tinder want me to say this
That’s classic.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?