i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
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Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.