me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
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Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
An odd boast
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.