“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
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If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*