The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
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Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
For the baby who has everything
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Weighing up my bread heating options
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.