“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
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Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight