Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
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[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings