“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
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I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
*puts cutlery down*
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before