When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
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I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.