Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
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“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Cat.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
A huge thanks to the person that did this