Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
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I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
The dark side of Canada
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!