The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
That was easy.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”