If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
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Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here