An owl showing some catlike behavior.
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prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
we’re gonna need another temp
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
the chicken was already gone when I got here
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today