Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
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People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]