New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
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There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
This meeting could have been a cake
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me