3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.