A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
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[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Me: how are you
Friday: good
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
When I said I liked it rough.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile