If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
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Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.