My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
happy friday
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here