*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
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I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Legend 🤣🤣
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.