I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
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My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest