Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
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Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.