Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
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Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
New menu item
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
doing your own taxes
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs