A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
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Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
crying
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.