PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
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After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!