If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
You Might Also Like
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.