Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
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Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
definitely did not do anything wrong
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
This rocks
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.