[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
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Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!