Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
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My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.