Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
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*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.