forgive me baja for i have blast
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Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Gemma Correll
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”