If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
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“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.