Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
You Might Also Like
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
🤣🤣
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”